Excuse Me, But Your Standing On My Lung

Listen buddy, you wanna smoke? I do not care. Smoke all you want. Smoke one for me too. Here is the thing though; it is pretty damn nasty. Your teeth look gross, you smell terrible and you remind me of New Jersey. What I am trying to say is that I don't want to see you. Yes, I know smokers are people too. I guess I'll just have to take your word on that one. Everything Doc said I agree with. However, what Doc is lacking is a plan.

Here is what we do. We make these giant glass boxes. They are not inside a building. They are outside all buildings. They exist on their own. They are just big glass boxes. That way people can see them get all smokey from the outside. Man, it must be gross in there. Thank goodness I don't smoke. Maybe we should have a system of tubes as you go into these buildings so no smoke gets out. You know, like those tubes in E.T. that used to freak me out when I was younger that Elliot is running through. I haven't seen that movie in a while because I dislike it, and am now debating if that part is real or if I made it up. I am pretty sure it is real and that it freaked me out. Freaked me out, just like people smoking near me.

Doc spoke of an occasion where I was walking with someone and they just started smoking in front of me. I think people should have to ask if it is OK. Given, I would probably feel bad and just have said yes. Still it would be nice to have been asked and know that this person in question was aware that some people do not like being exposed to second hand smoke.

Here is a partial list of movies that freaked me out when I was younger:

The scene of the old emperor dying from the The Dark Crystal
Every scene in The Witches
The boat scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
The woman criminal from The Goonies
The wolf from The Neverending Story
Every scene from The Secret of Nimh
The R.E.M. music video for Losing My Religion when that dude sticks his hand inside that other dude who looks like Jesus's wound in his stomach
Cher in Moonstruck
The scene where they lower people into the glowing red thing in the temple and Indian Jones is under some spell and is unaware that he is helping the bad guys in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
That opening scene of Heathers which makes no sense and has someone shooting a polo ball and someone's head
The father in the Girls Just Wanna Have Fun music video
Sloth in The Goonies
The poster for Flight of the Navigator
Jackie Mason in Caddyshack II

The Smoking Gun

Dos recently brought something to my attention that annoys me, but I have yet to go on a rant about it. Well, the time has come. And that annoyance is smoking. This day and age, how can any intelligent individual smoke?!? With what we know about all the damage it does, it is mind boggling anyone would do it. Especially seeing how expensive a habit it is. But that isn't my main issue with this post. What really bothers me is when smokers smoke infront of non-smokers.

A lot of people were upset when smoking became illegal in bars. I, however, think that was a great idea and a step in the right direction. Non-smokers shouldn't have to breathe in that God awful smell if they don't want to. If you want to smoke, get your ass outside and do it. Stop ruining my evening. I hope that one day they ban smoking in casinos as it the smell bothers me to the point where it makes me have to go outside and get some fresh air in between throwing my money away. And the non-smoking areas? Well, they are fucking worthless. You still have to cross the smoking areas to get to them anyway! And then those areas are small and lack the pizazz of the smoke areas. If anything, there should be small smoking areas! And they should be outside.

Dos recently told me he was walking and the person he was walking with started smoking while next to him. Let me ask you, person... would you smoke in Dos's car if you were riding with him? No, no you would not. And if you wanted to, you would ask first. Well, the same consideration should be taken while walking with someone. Dos didn't want to second hand smoke. But he was given no option. His little lungs didn't deserve that. Person, you are an asshole.

So what should we do with these smokers? Perhaps designated areas where they can go and do all the damage they want to themselves? Somewhere a non-smoker would have no reason to go. Hopefully one day, smoking will be little more than a memory. Why anyone would start makes little sense to me. I hope Dos can shed some more light on this issue as he was the one who brought it to my attention. Dos, the floor is yours.

The # 2 Yellow Black (or green) with an Eraser on Top Menace

HAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Doc's post was amazing! Right? Oh man, I bet that even if no one proves that they are reading the blog, that great post was enough to Doc keep going with this blog. Its just gotta. The continuation of the Dos and Doc blog, in its original format is clear.

Now, there are some problems with Doc's post. I mean, I should to be honest with you. I made fun of how the Pioneer Woman got a movie and a book deal from her blog in my previous post. Doc did not fully understand who this woman was. She is is not an immigrant, she moved from the city to the country within the United States. I guess Doc misinterpreted the word "country." This mistake is not Doc's fault, he missed the first day of kindergarten and has been trying to catch up ever since (this joke was admittedly stolen from a comedy show, try to guess which one).

I still say that if no one is reading the blog, this does not matter. That is not the point of blogs. I don't think Doc gets blogs. We all can't make clever remarks about how we used to live in the city but now live in the country, within the continental United States. We all can't take pictures, give recipes and talk about our pets. Maybe the way to look at it is as if we are a renegade blog. Our blog could never be read by many people or lead to a movie deal. It is too cutting edge and radical for the masses. We are sticking out middle finger up at society and they are too slow to even get that we are doing it. They come to our blog and just say, "I don't get this." Well, that is not all they don't get. They don't get our whole scene, man. We are something other than else. We are the complex geniuses and most of this world will never understand. We are ahead of our time.

There. I can only assume that my amazing persuasive powers has convinced Doc to stay aboard and do some more posts. Now, on to unappreciated genius:

You know what really bothers me? Number two pencils! If number two pencils are used the most, why are they not called number one pencils? Oh, and those erasers! They are not big enough, sometimes I make a lot of mistakes....and need more of an eraser....to erase...all of the....mistakes. Yeah! And who picked that color? Yellow is so unpleasing. I like the green or black though. Yellow and green or black give a nice contrast. Oh no! I am losing track here. Ugh, and what's the deal with the way they have to be sharpened. This is 2011 man, shouldn't there be a new kind of pencil that doesn't have to be sharpened. Oh wait there is, those metallic ones. Is that what they are called? I don't even know. Sometimes I make the pencils too sharp and they break so fast because it is fun using the electric sharpener. Oh, but I complained about that before saying I didn't like that....ugh....you still here? Reading the blog? This is awkward. I don't really have much to say. Can I offer you some cookies? Oh these? They are an old family recipe. The recipe? Sure, I can give it to you.....OK, I got it from the Pioneer Woman blog....here is the link http://thepioneerwoman.com/. Her recipes are so good they should be turned into a movie! What about our blog you say? Turned into a movie? Well, I don't know if it even has a future. Don't log on to us no more kid. That big ol' sun is settin' on us like it must to every grand experiment. Doc was right our blog does suck. I mean....number two pencils???? What was I thinking? I was a fool to think that I could take the number two pencil down a notch. I haven't even given you a paragraph break in a while. Here is one:

It's all over for us. There are no such thing as superheros, happy endings, a balanced diet or clever blogs written by two friends who disagree a lot. There is only a pioneer woman, her cowboy husband and her interest in photography. We have been beaten by a woman who home schools her kids and likes Chipotle-Spiced Sweet Potato Chili. I don't even like chili! I tried so hard, I even included a picture of a pencil. I sit here before you a broken man. A broken man craving a simpler life in the country with a cowgirl, a movie deal, a book deal, and a recipe for Ginger Steak Salad.

Your right Doc, the dream is over.

Doc Smash!

So let me begin by apologizing for my absence. Why did I disappear? Well, last month Dos and I put almost everything we had into the blog. And we got ZERO feedback. Does anyone read this thing? I don't think they do. So, I gave up. Dos says we should keep it up just as a place to keep our thoughts and for ourselves. But then what purpose does my diary serve?! Wait, what? But seriously, fuck everyone that doesn't read this blog. If you haven't been reading thus far, I don't even want you to start now. Just get off my page (I kid, I kid... please stay. We love you).

Now to the bigger issue... it has been brought to my attention that some fucking immigrant got a book and movie deal from her blog about her travels to America. What. The. Fuck. Our blog is much more entertaining than that nonsense. This isn't the olden days when coming to America was such a big deal. As far as I am concerned, they let any asshole in now.

I just get angry when I come to our blog now knowing that no one, minus a few people we may know, read it. We are giving you gold people! Where else can you get a week long argument about the film Inception?? Who else knows more about Muppets than Dos? Who I ask you?!?! If you read this, just let us know you are out there. Come on. Do it. Do it.

Do you want to be the reason some lady is getting millions of dollars for coming to America. Should I move to Mexico and make this blog about my journey there? Is that what you want? Cause I will do it. So help me God, I will do it.

Well, thats my rant. Perhaps my last...
















Nah, it won't be my last. But seriously, make yourself known. First person to write a comment on this post wins.... something.

Doc Stinks

You know what? I do not stink, Doc does. Where the hell has he been? Does he only come on the blog when I challenge him? Is he sad because no one did his poll? Well listen here, if any of this is true than Doc does not understand what blogs are all about.

Blogs are not just about having a challenge to overcome. That is the opposite of blogs. They are not a competition. They are about throwing yourself out there just because it is fun to do so. Also, they are not about others reading your blog. They are about being able to write about some crap and see it on a website and pretend others are reading it and that they care what you have to say. It is kind of fun in that way. Doc is ruining all of this fun. Him and I have not spoken about the blog in days. This is a horrible state of affairs. I am left with no choice, but to give another inane list of topics to get Doc to come back to the blog. Here we go:

The Iraqi and Afghan War
Best Simpsons episode
Flag burning
Seltzer vs. Club Soda...which is which?
Best TV show
Best movies of various decades
Best action movie (c'mon Doc!)
Worst job possible
Why are there no more door to door salesman?
What is this thing on the bottom of my foot?
Reasons for the fall of the Ottoman Empire
Sherbert vs. ice cream
Lost: what happened?
Friendly's Watermelon Logs
Why christopher nolan is a terrible director
Why terry gilliam is an awesome director
Why the star wars movies are so terrible
Why the lord of the rings movies are so terrible
Why ask why? Try bud dry
Why the criterion collection is so cool
VCR repair or get your degree
Best religion
Worst religion
Sitting on the Dock of the Bay and other great 70s classics
How could numbers really go on forever?
Best type of pie
Why Dos has the best DVD collection
What is the meaning of life?
Why Scarface is a terrible movie
Why Goodfellas is a terrible movie
Why Stella was a great TV show
Why TV should have test patterns at night and during the day again
Why infomercials can be fun to watch
Why the muppets are so enjoyable
Why Family Guy can be funny, but is ultimately a bad show
Why old black and white movies are so enjoyable
What is wrong with people who like low shower pressure
Why Doc has not written a post in a while
Best fictional TV show
Best fictional band
Antidisestablishmentarianism
Why superhero movies stink
Lemon Curry?
Why jazz is so enjoyable
Best non-fictional band
Sally Struthers
HEY ABBOTT!
Mel Brooks movies
Albert Brooks movies
Babbling Brooks movies
Karl Marx
Marx Brothers
Tropicana Orange Juice...why is it so great?
3 Eggs
4 Sticks of butter
A quart of milk
A container of sprinkles
A herring
5 teaspoons of vanilla extract

Now mix all of those ingredients together and you have my patented Banana Cream Pie. Thank you again for joining me for another recipe on the pioneer woman blog. I moved from the city to the country for my cowboy husband! I have a really cute dog and now write recipe books. Also, I like taking photos of things. There is a movie about my life coming out starring Reese Witherspoon. I am "funny, enthusiastic and self-depricating," says the New York Times.

Doc your move.

We Stink

I think I know why no one reads this blog. We are rather not good care takers of the place. I mean I do not believe that anyone is out there stressing for another 3184 blog entry. To be fair this is our fault. We do stink. I mean look at these fake reviews I made up:

"The 3184 blog is a frustrating mess. Dos and Doc are either arguing and posting non-stop or taking months off for no apparent reason. This all does not matter anyway because their posts are bizarre and confusing." - Roger Myers, Blogosphere Magazine

"What started out as nice little debate blog became an extremely smart and witty trip to twenty-something America, but then spiraled into a nonsensical battle about Inception, has no left us with no content to judge where they may go next. I for one want the cleverness to come back to the blog." - Weena Mercator, Blogs and Hogs Weekly

"Terrible....just a terrible and boring blog." - Charlie Chugs, Blogs Be-Bop Review

"It is just a bad blog and there are not enough posts" - Shirley Harrington, Blogs and Knitting Daily

"Not consistent, not funny and these fake reviews are only making it worse" - Mike Chang, Dog Fancy

"What was the name of that guy who was gonna be a Beatle, but then Ringo replaced him?" - Larry DuPrel, The Unauthorized 3184 Blog Biography

"Dos's entries are great but what is with that Doc guy?" - Ralph Lewis, The New York Times

Man, those reviews are terrible! We really need to get our act together. However, it is really fun to make up fake names and fake publications that they write for. So, while you sit there swearing that you are never going to read this blog again, not understanding why you are in the first place and upset about how you don't exist, here are some more:

Johnny Faber, The Sparkling Gazette
Herschel Lebowitz, The Monkey Train Weekly
Darla McTee, Fa-Foom Cha-Room Monthly
Ronnie Bitfor, The Kalamazoo Post
Upton Spitz, The Larville Post
Larry DuPont, Blogs up!
Farah Morris, Hats, Blogs, Frogs, Trout, Watermelon and Char Coal Weekly